Our little birds tell us that a brave group of smallfolk activists are attempting to oust the bastard Scott Walker Pyke, current castellan of Wyksconsin, out of the Great Lakestone Chair through a forced kingsmoot! Many believe this so-called ironman to be merely an upjumped catspaw of the Lannisters and their wealthy allies.
‘Tis true, Walker is known to have constantly betrayed the islandfolk by eliminating their rights to bargain for fair prices at the trading ports, reducing the wages of his servants, and increasing the cost of Maester healthcare plans to several gold dragons per visit. Words have leaked from his small council’s master of coin concerning the fact that Ser Walker Pyke and his allies mislike settling their own debts and taxes, preferring to pay the iron price for their plunder. Though the Lannisters have readied several chests of gold and rubies to offer during the choosing, expect to hear the name of his primary challenger, Ser Tom Barrett, ring from the lips of high- and baseborn alike.
Guiliana Rancyc, a half-Dilophosaur Troubador from House Seacrest, hath traveled here to the Eastern shores with promising news of Lady Bobbye Kristina Houstonouyen* of House Brown. As it is known, Lady Bobbye was much distressed by the death of her Lady mother. We were further saddened by talk that Lady Whytneye had oft been seen imbibing imported clotted cow’s milk by the moon door of the Eyrie.
Yet hope remains. The Rancyc says that Lady Bobbye made a stunning appearance at the funeral in the Western lands. All in attendance were stunned as she turned Lady Whytneye’s final resting place into an epic funeral pyre, with the mere use of a pile of twigs and a torch! Lady Bobbye Kristina then ascended with three colorful stone eggs she called “Whytnear,” “Houstouo,” and “Bobb.” When the Lady reached the fire, three loud cracks resounded throughout the tomb, growing louder and more insistent with each echo. The Rancyc and the rest were stunned as the stone masses hatched into the first dragons seen in Westeros since the death of the Mad King Bobb Brown! Lady Bobbye then laid her claim to the Eyrie, with the promise to take her adopted brother as her Lord husband. The rise and revenge of House Houstonouyen-Brown is nigh upon us, little birds…
*(The sigil of House Houstonouyen-Brown is a pile of white powder on a mirror betwixt an hourglass and a percolator. The ancient House Houstonouyen words are: “Crack is whack”.)
Little birds, methinks poor Ser Tyler Clementi witnessed devilish acts betwixt Lady Angelina Jolie Pytte and Ser James Haven of House Voight. The Lady’s husband, King Bradley Pytte, is too overmuch enchanted with the milk of the poppy to notice that most of his children are not trueborn. Lady Zahara and Lord Maddox Jolie Pytte look to be part Dothraki, truly!
It is said that Lord Neddard Stark was poring over the Maester’s archival “Us Weekleye” volumes in an attempt to trace their lineage. The direwolf and the lizard may be at war sooner than thought! Winter is coming…