Our little birds tell us that a brave group of smallfolk activists are attempting to oust the bastard Scott Walker Pyke, current castellan of Wyksconsin, out of the Great Lakestone Chair through a forced kingsmoot! Many believe this so-called ironman to be merely an upjumped catspaw of the Lannisters and their wealthy allies.
‘Tis true, Walker is known to have constantly betrayed the islandfolk by eliminating their rights to bargain for fair prices at the trading ports, reducing the wages of his servants, and increasing the cost of Maester healthcare plans to several gold dragons per visit. Words have leaked from his small council’s master of coin concerning the fact that Ser Walker Pyke and his allies mislike settling their own debts and taxes, preferring to pay the iron price for their plunder. Though the Lannisters have readied several chests of gold and rubies to offer during the choosing, expect to hear the name of his primary challenger, Ser Tom Barrett, ring from the lips of high- and baseborn alike.
Though I mislike his dalliances with the cautiously sainted D’alai La’ma, newly arrived from the eastern city of Ti’bet, one must be impressed by Ser Rickon Gere’s ability to soothe the white walkers. He does not wear the scarlet robes and rubies of his faith, true enough, but the red, burnt complexion of his skin shows him to be a follower of Azor Ahai. As the White Walker they call Swynton is said to have taken a weirwood tree for a husband, leave us hope Ser Gere may warm her with the fire of his order. We shall see if Swynton accepts the red priest and turns against her ghoulish sister Lyndsy Lohan.
Duane Clegane, (A.K.A. Dog, the Sellsword) was knighted last night by King Mytt Romney of Golden Tooth. Critics of King Romney claim the knighting was an attempt to pander to the peasant rabble who see the sellsword as something of a folk hero.
To date King Romney has had trouble relating to commonfolk, but perhaps this recent nod will bolster his support. After knighting Ser Dog at Highgarden, King Romney spoke in lustrous baritone:
“I love it here in Highgarden. The flowers are the right height. I love seeing the lakes. Red Lake is nice, but I like all the lakes hither. I’faith, there is something passing special here. All the little inland lakes that, um… that dot the Reach. I love carriages! I grew up loving carriages. Used to be when I was a swaddling babe, you could show me any part of a carriage and I’d know whither twas built. Now, with all the Dornish carriages about, I’m not so sure, but I know the Oldtown carriages pretty well.”
Guiliana Rancyc, a half-Dilophosaur Troubador from House Seacrest, hath traveled here to the Eastern shores with promising news of Lady Bobbye Kristina Houstonouyen* of House Brown. As it is known, Lady Bobbye was much distressed by the death of her Lady mother. We were further saddened by talk that Lady Whytneye had oft been seen imbibing imported clotted cow’s milk by the moon door of the Eyrie.
Yet hope remains. The Rancyc says that Lady Bobbye made a stunning appearance at the funeral in the Western lands. All in attendance were stunned as she turned Lady Whytneye’s final resting place into an epic funeral pyre, with the mere use of a pile of twigs and a torch! Lady Bobbye Kristina then ascended with three colorful stone eggs she called “Whytnear,” “Houstouo,” and “Bobb.” When the Lady reached the fire, three loud cracks resounded throughout the tomb, growing louder and more insistent with each echo. The Rancyc and the rest were stunned as the stone masses hatched into the first dragons seen in Westeros since the death of the Mad King Bobb Brown! Lady Bobbye then laid her claim to the Eyrie, with the promise to take her adopted brother as her Lord husband. The rise and revenge of House Houstonouyen-Brown is nigh upon us, little birds…
*(The sigil of House Houstonouyen-Brown is a pile of white powder on a mirror betwixt an hourglass and a percolator. The ancient House Houstonouyen words are: “Crack is whack”.)
Rhoyters, King’s Landing.
Lord Rickon Santorum, of Bitterbridge, has relinquished his claim as True King of the Seven Kingdoms. Earlier this week, Lord Rickon bent the knee to Lord Mytt Romney of Golden Tooth and proclaimed him the true king of Westeros. The upjumped House of Santorum (Words: “Faith, Family, Freedom” Sigil: A neatly pressed blue sweater vest on a field of shit brown) has long maligned the reigning King Barack I (The first non-Andal, non-Valyrian to sit the Iron Throne.) While Lord Romney relies primarily upon his base of supporters in the moneyed Westerlands, most of Lord Santorum’s support came from pious, but uneducated, hill people. In spite of proof to the contrary, many of these tribes still believe that King Barack was born in the Free Cities and that he shirks The Seven to worship R’hllor in his heart.
Sitting ahorse before his war camp in the Riverlands, Santorum bellowed to his wildling host:
“This day I have bent the knee to House Romney, and pledged my sword to support his claim for the throne! I prithee all will do the same. Our united forces stand a far better chance of usurping Barack the Unworthy and returning a true Andal to the seat of our Seven Kingdoms. May the Seven bless King Romney! May the Seven bless us all!”
Some of our little birds have suggested Santorum may have taken Romney as a liege lord for the promise of some post on King Romney’s small council, though nothing is confirmed at this time. Ser Chris Chrystie is still expected to serve as Romney’s hand, should he succeed in usurping the throne.
King’s Landing Correspondent
Knave George Zimmerman of the Night’s Watch hath betrayed his duties! He was assigned to the builders, but took it upon himself to secretly join the rangers without cause! ‘Tis small wonder he mistook a townsperson for a wildling and struck him down in error. The Others curse the Lannisters and their corrupt small council for seeking to avert the King’s justice in this matter. All hail the true justice of the King in the North!
Little birds, methinks poor Ser Tyler Clementi witnessed devilish acts betwixt Lady Angelina Jolie Pytte and Ser James Haven of House Voight. The Lady’s husband, King Bradley Pytte, is too overmuch enchanted with the milk of the poppy to notice that most of his children are not trueborn. Lady Zahara and Lord Maddox Jolie Pytte look to be part Dothraki, truly!
It is said that Lord Neddard Stark was poring over the Maester’s archival “Us Weekleye” volumes in an attempt to trace their lineage. The direwolf and the lizard may be at war sooner than thought! Winter is coming…